How to Leave an Unhealthy Church

No doubt, Jesus does not want us in a toxic church situation. Your heart will tell you when to leave.

Two weeks ago I shared some practical guidelines on how to leave a church gracefully. I wrote this because I hear so many stories about people storming out of churches because their feelings got hurt. But an astute reader also pointed out that my guidelines really don't apply when the church or its pastor have become abusive.
 
 
 
 
 
"Teresa" wrote that in her city, a popular leader of a megachurch was exposed for engaging in secret immoral behavior that affected countless members of his congregation for many years. "Thousands of people have been abused, broken, manipulated and controlled by [the pastor]," she wrote. "He has literally destroyed hundreds of families over the decades."

So how do you leave a church that is spiritually abusive? What if the pastor or other leaders are guilty of sexual misconduct, unethical or illegal financial activities or controlling behavior? The rules for leaving are different.

1. Get outside advice. Before you plan your exit, make sure you are looking at the situation rationally. Talk to two or three people who are not members of this church or ministry. You might even want to set up a meeting with another pastor from your city. Explain your concerns. They will help you see if you are overreacting, or if you really have a case.

2. Gather the facts. Never base your concerns on rumors or unfounded allegations. Can this improper behavior be documented? Is there a paper trail? Paul said in 1 Timothy 5:19: "Do not receive an accusation against an elder except on the basis of two or three witnesses." If there has been wrongdoing, there will be evidence. (If you find concrete evidence that something illegal is going on, such as extortion or child abuse, you should contact the police.)

3. Confront the issue. This will not be easy if the leader in question uses threats, manipulation or anger to run over people. I normally advise that meetings be in person, but don't meet alone if the leader in question is a manipulator. Take people with you so that you can't be bullied. It's also best to put your concerns in writing and take the letter with you.

4. Make a clean break. If you know that the pastor or other church leaders are guilty of behavior that disqualifies ministers, and there are no signs of repentance, you don't have to stick around. God gave you two feet, and you can use them to walk out. Some people feel guilty for leaving an abusive church, but you must renounce feelings of false guilt or displaced loyalty. God will help you start a new life. Don't let anyone (especially extended family members) manipulate you into staying.

5. Get counseling and prayer from a mature Christian. Spiritual manipulation messes with your mind. People I know who were part of an abusive ministry were made to feel guilty for simply asking questions. They were told that God required them to be blindly loyal, and that if they ever left the ministry something terrible would happen to them. If you were under this type of toxic control, you need someone to pray for you—so you can break free from psychological abuse.

6. Find a healthy church. Never let the devil convince you to give up on church just because the one you attended went off track. You need God's people in your life. Some frustrated saints who have been wounded by unqualified leaders have asked me, "Are there any good churches left?" My answer is always yes! The Great Shepherd always leads us to green pastures where we can be healed and comforted. If you isolate yourself from church, you are wasting your spiritual gifts and ruining your chances of being restored.

7. Help others to heal. In my work with abused women, I've seen that those who suffered the most became powerfully effective in helping others after they experienced healing. This can be true for people who were wounded in an unhealthy church. God does not waste our pain! He can use your testimony to help those who are going through similar situations.

Once you leave, it is possible that other members of your church will contact you—and some of them will be honestly seeking the same freedom you have found. You owe it to them to share the story of your exit. If you stay healthy during the process of leaving, God can use you to pull others to safety.

J. Lee Grady is the is the author of several books including 10 Lies the Church Tells Women, 10 Lies Men Believe, Fearless Daughters of the Bible and The Holy Spirit Is Not for Sale. You can learn more about his ministry, The Mordecai Project, at themordecaiproject.org.

 

Why are Millennials Sick of Church?

Ministers should know that millennials don't need a lot of frills in a church service. (ECWA Archive)

There are literally thousands of articles online about why the millennial generation is disillusioned with church, church culture and church politics. And while I applaud the attempt to wrap one's head around the issue, I've noticed that most of the articles seem to be written by people who know nothing about the millennial generation. Weird.

I've talked with thousands of young people over the years who have told me, "I'm just sick of church." I've heard everything under the sun when it comes to one's reasoning for leaving, and I believe many of them carry a lot of heavy truth. Here are some of them …

1. "It's not authentic."
2. "It's too corporate." 
3. "I don't like the political side."
4. "I feel like I can't be open about my struggles."
5. "I hate the cliques."
6. "It's too judgmental." 
7. "Their attempt at being relevant comes off as cheesy."
8. "They don't spend enough time outside of their building."
9. "They aren't really welcoming of people who are different from them." 
10. "They focus too much on what they know instead of whom they are showing love to."

 

And while I believe not all churches deal with the complaints I mentioned above, it's safe to say there are many who probably do. That's why I'm writing this. This needs to be discussed.

Authenticity Is Key

If churches want to see more millennials walk through their doors, they need to stop trying to entice them with free stuff, and instead allow their spaces to be filled with authentic relationships and transparent conversations. The Acts 2 church was a perfect example of this.

"They continued steadfastly in the apostles' teaching and fellowship, in the breaking of bread and in the prayers. Fear came to every soul. And many wonders and signs were done through the apostles. All who believed were together and had all things in common. They sold their property and goods and distributed them to all, according to their need. And continuing daily with one mind in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they ate their food with gladness and simplicity of heart" (Acts 2:42-46).

Some people say there is a decline in millennial church attendance, while others say they don't see much of a change at all. We must realize that just because millennials aren't showing up to church buildings doesn't mean they aren't part of a thriving community of believers, or are without a biblical relationship with God.

Millennials aren't looking for brighter lights. Millennials aren't looking for more free coffee. They want Jesus-founded authenticity, a safe-place to share burdens, real answers to real questions and a community of action.

Jarrid Wilson is a husband to Juli, dad to Finch, pastor, author, blogger, founder of Cause Roast. He's helping people live a better story. For the original article, visit jarridwilson.com.

 

5 Reasons You Shouldn’t Cohabitate Before Marriage

Studies shows after living together before marriage, the odds of staying together decreases significantly (image © Andy Ward)

Are you single or dating someone you think may be the one? Or do you have kids who are dating and may be thinking wedding bells at some point?

If so, you may want to consider the importance of marrying before moving in together or of teaching your kids about the pitfalls of shacking up.

More and more couples are choosing to move in together before marriage. One reason is to save on rent. Yes, saving on rent. Saving on rent is not, and should not be, a reason to live with someone who may or may not become your spouse. In fact, it is a really bad reason. Below are five reasons shacking up is a bad idea:

1. No blessings from God. The Bible considers shacking up the opposite of a legitimate marriage. A legitimate marriage consists of a union between a man and woman who have made a covenant and commitment. Shacking up involves neither. Marriage was a union created by God and is a union God blesses.

2. Your relationship will probably end. An article on examiner.com states that 80 percent of shacking-up relationships end before marriage or in divorce after marriage. So, it is 80/20 against you getting married or staying married to that person. One reason is because there is not a commitment when you move in before marriage. A relationship without commitment will not last, and marriage is the biggest commitment you can make in life.

3. Your children will be negatively affected. To the parents who have children, your kids are three times as likely to be expelled from school or get pregnant, five times more likely to live in poverty, and 22 times more likely to be incarcerated—all because you choose to live with someone you're not married to.

4. It makes you lazy. As a married man, I know that once dating ends, the relationship changes. Living together removes the "being your best" part of your relationship. Kind of like most job interviews—you wore the suit to the interview, but once hired, you show up in khakis and a polo. And if you're living with a woman and getting some of the "benefits" of marriage—sex, having someone to help around the house, sharing the bills—you can also get lazy about taking the next step in your relationship.

5. Saving on rent. Mentioned above.

 Related Resources: 

How will you educate your adult children about the dangers of shacking up?

All Pro Dad is Family First's innovative and unique program for every father. Their aim is to interlock the hearts of the fathers with their children and, as a byproduct, the hearts of the children with their dads. At allprodad.com, dads in any stage of fatherhood can find helpful resources to aid in their parenting. Resources include daily emails, blogs, Top 10 lists, articles, printable tools, videos and eBooks. From allprodad.com, fathers can join the highly engaged All Pro Dad social media communities on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube and Instagram.

 

Why All Churches Should Address Depression & Anxiety

Awareness must be created among Church members to deal with depression and anxiety (The Express Tribune with the International New York Times) by Jarrid Wilsonjarridwilson.com.

 

It's no secret my past was riddled with mental health issues—ones that kept me from wanting to live for much of my teenage life. I'm very vocal about this truth, and I will continue to be as along as my story may have an impact on others who need to hear it.

And while I do believe today's church is doing better at addressing the issue that is mental health, I believe there can be so much more done than what is currently taking place in regards to depression and anxiety. Let me explain.

I never tried to take my own life in my younger years, but I frequently found myself googling painless ways to commit suicide, and really had no remorse once finding what I was looking for. It was a sad state to hold myself. The reality is that my life was infected with the burden of depression and anxiety, and the only places I could find reliable information from were not churches in my local area.

Why? It's because mental illness wasn't really talked about much.

I felt as if all the "Christian" resources were outdated, and really didn't address the fact that taking medication was okay in the eyes of God. There really wasn't much information at all. It was as if all the answers I was finding were suggesting that I just needed more faith.

Seriously? The last thing someone contemplating suicide wants to hear is, "Just have faith." I understand that Jesus has the power to conquer anything that comes in my way, but please don't throw Christians clichés at me. I wanted real, authentic and practical information, and I assume there are millions in this world who would want the same. It's what Jesus would have done.

I really wanted to find help in the church, but there were no ministries or non-profits working within the walls of local congregations that I could reach. All the counseling and help I received came years after I actually needed it, and it was found in the secrecy of a local medical facility, not a church—where it should have been all along.

Mind you, the church has come a long way since my teen years in regards to helping those with mental illness, but I believe we can still do a lot more.

Some Statistics
1. It is reported that 1 in 10 Americans are affected by depression. 
2. Over 80 percent of people who are clinically depressed are not receiving treatment. 
3. The number of people diagnosed with depression increases by 30 percent every year. 
4. An estimated 121 million people around the world suffer from depression. 
5. In 2013 41,149 suicides were reported, making suicide the 10th leading cause of death for Americans.
6. In 2013, someone died by suicide every 12.8 minutes.

 

We Need The Church

"Cast all your care on Him, because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7, MEV).

Here's the thing. I understand that there is importance to seeing what many would call a "professional" in the field of mental health issues, but this doesn't mean that the local church shouldn't be prioritizing leadership roles and ministry efforts to help those who deal with these issues. I understand that not all churches lack in this area, but I bet there are more who do than don't.

My wife and I have met with and counseled dozens of young people over the past year. All shared with us the brutal battle that is taking place within their souls. Suicide attempts, cutting, depression, and anxiety are just the beginning of what these young people were facing.

We NEED the church to step up in its efforts to be more vocal in regards to mental illness. Whether that is through a sermon series, free resources, creating non-profits or even a cultivating a designated year-long ministry. Regardless, the church should be on the front lines of this battle. People need a safe place where they can be honest and transparent with what they are going through.

There is nothing wrong with admitting you are depressed, cutting, have attempted suicide or are even contemplating it. There is nothing wrong with seeking medical attention and being prescribed medication to help you along the journey. And, there is nothing wrong with admitting you need help. 

A Few Resources

1. Heart Support.

2. My Broken Palace. 

3. To Write Love On Her Arms.

4. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, anxiety or has even thought of suicide, please give them the resources above and do not wait another minute.

What are your thoughts? Leave a comment below.

Jarrid Wilson is a husband to Juli, dad to Finch, pastor, author, blogger, and founder of Cause Roast. He's helping people live a better story. For the original article, visit jarridwilson.com.

 

How to Teach Your Kids to Be Thankful

You can instill an attitude of thankfulness in your children. (ECWA Archive)
 
As I'm writing this, it's a week before Thanksgiving, but I already have my turkey thawing in the refrigerator. My menu is simple: turkey, ham, potatoes, sweet potatoes, green beans, pie. The recipes are ones I've been making for 20 years—nothing fancy here. Our table will be set like any Sunday dinner. I'll even admit I don't have one turkey decoration in our whole house.
 
Instead of planning for a party, my focus this month has been on my idea of nixing the entitlement attitude in our family. Yes, I'm thankful for all I have, but is it possible to take that thankfulness one step further and try to root out my entitlement attitude? I think so.
 
I haven't been making holiday crafts; instead I've been cleaning out my closets. Three large garbage bags of clothes have already gone to the teen moms that I support. These are nice clothes, name-brand clothes … but do I need them all? No, I don't.
 
I've been trying to pass down this idea to my kids too. I get on them all the time about all their wants. That's all I hear from them at the store: "I want. I want!" I don't act that way, of course, but that's because when I want something, it's easy just to put it in the cart. I'm not pouting, mostly because I have the money to enjoy that little treat. After all, what's another $2.99 going to hurt?
 
It hurts because I'm not modeling good stewardship to my kids. So instead of throwing things in my cart, I've been confessing my own desires. And today, instead of buying things for us, we purchased gifts for three kids through Angel Tree. My kids were so excited about their purchases … and they truly were thankful givers! (You can find out how to donate to Angel Tree here.)
 
In addition to taking the focus off our own wants, there are a few other things to stop entitlement and be truly thankful in my family. Some ideas are mine, and some are from Facebook friends!
 
1. Teach cooperation. The reality of life is that we often have to cooperate with others. We are not the center of our world. The family who works together at home raises children who know how to do that through life.
 
2. Teach the value of money. Teaching kids to bargain shop helps them to understand the value of money. From the time our kids were small, we only shopped in stores we could afford, and even then we went straight to the clearance racks. We also shop at yard sales and secondhand stores. When shopping, give your older kids a set amount of money to manage. If they only want one pair of designer jeans instead of four generic pairs, that's a decision he or she will have to live with.
 
Guide teens to consider the less fortunate. "I use sites like the Girl Effect and World Vision to teach the teens in my life about poverty," says Alyson, mother of two. When teens understand poverty, they also know how much they have and grow generous hearts. Our daughter Leslie, now 22 years old, started sponsoring a child when she was 14 and has been faithful to give.
 
3. Be available. "If you're going to hold back from things we consider 'entitlement,' filling in the gap is important," says Jennifer, mother of three. "If you can't get them a car, then provide your teens with the security that you will help [them] get where they need to be and be open to picking up friends. If you can't buy designer clothes, help them pick up a few nice pieces and put outfits together." Show your teens that you are available and that you are all part of a team.
 
4. Encourage positive friendships. "My daughter is 16 years old, and she has no cell phone, no car, no designer clothes," says Diane, mother of two. "One of the biggest helps in this area has been choosing friends wisely. Since most of the kids in her 'peer group' are from like-minded families, we've been able to avoid a lot of those issues."
 
How about you? Have you thought about how to be truly thankful by cutting out entitlement in your family? It's great to be thankful this time of year … but it takes work to live it out day to day!
 
Editor's Note: This story was original published in November 2013.
 
Tricia Goyer has written more than 35 books, including both novels that delight and entertain readers and nonfiction titles that offer encouragement and hope. She has also published more than 500 articles in national publications such as Guideposts, Thriving Family, Proverbs 31, and HomeLife Magazine.

 

Newborn baby found in nativity scene at New York City church

 

A newborn baby who still had his umbilical cord attached was found in a nativity scene at a Queens church on Monday.

The infant was abandoned at Holy Child Jesus Church in Richmond Hill and was discovered by a custodian around noon, according to police sources.

“The baby was found in the creche, a sort of manger scene where we would put the baby Jesus during Christmastime,” recalled the Rev. Christopher Heanue.

“The church is considered a safe haven for dropoffs,” he explained Tuesday. “The baby was brand new. He still had the umbilical cord attached. It’s a beautiful baby boy.”

Newborn baby found in nativity scene at Holy Child Jesus Church in Richmond Hill
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The abandoned baby found in the manger at Holy Child Jesus Church in Richmond Hill.
Photo: Christopher Ryan Heanue

The child was later taken to Jamaica Hospital, sources said.

Surveillance video from Holy Child shows a woman walking inside with a baby in her arms and then shows her leaving without it.

The custodian who found the child left the church for about an hour and had heard him crying when he returned, according to sources.

“There are families within the parish who have inquired as to adopting the baby already,” Heanue said. “They feel that he was left in the parish and should stay in the parish.”

New York Post

 

An Up Close Look at Church Attendance in America

by Rebecca Barnes and Lindy Lowry, Outreach writer for churchleaders.com (Kelly Shattuck)

1. Less than 20% of Americans regularly attend church — half of what the pollsters report.

While Gallup polls and other statisticians have turned in the same percentage — about 40% of the population — of average weekend church attendees for the past 70 years, a different sort of research paints quite a disparate picture of how many Americans attend a local church on any given Sunday.

Initially prompted to discover how church plants in America were really doing, Olson, director of church planting for the Evangelical Covenant Church (covchurch.org), began collecting data in the late “80s, gradually expanding his research to encompass overall attendance trends in the Church. In his study, he tracked the annual attendance of more than 200,000 individual Orthodox Christian churches (the accepted U.S. church universe is 330,000). To determine attendance at the remaining 100,000-plus Orthodox Christian churches, he used statistical models, which included multiplying a church”s membership number by the denomination”s membership-to-attendance ratio.

The Numbers

His findings reveal that the actual rate of church attendance from head counts is less than half of the 40% the pollsters report. Numbers from actual counts of people in Orthodox Christian churches (Catholic, mainline and evangelical) show that in 2004, 17.7% of the population attended a Christian church on any given weekend.

Another study published in 2005 in The Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion by sociologists C. Kirk Hadaway and Penny Long Marler — known for their scholarly research on the Church — backs up his findings. Their report reveals that the actual number of people worshipping each week is closer to Olson”s 17.7% figure — 52 million people instead of the pollster-reported 132 million (40%).

“We knew that over the past 30 to 40 years, denominations had increasingly reported a decline in their numbers,” Marler says. “Even a still-growing denomination like the Southern Baptist Convention had reported slowed growth. Most of the mainline denominations were all reporting a net loss over the past 30 years. And at the same time, the Gallup polls had remained stable. It didn”t make sense.”

The Halo Effect

What Hadaway and Marler, along with Mark Chaves, author of the “National Congregations Study,” discovered was at play is what researchers call “the halo effect” — the difference between what people tell pollsters and what people actually do. Americans tend to over-report socially desirable behavior like voting and attending church and under-report socially undesirable behavior like drinking.

Gallup Poll Editor in Chief Frank Newport agrees that the halo effect factors in to poll results. During a Gallup telephone survey of a random sampling of about 1,000 Americans nationwide, interviewers ask respondents questions such as, “In the last seven days, did you attend a church service, excluding weddings and funerals?” to determine their church-going habits.

“When people try to reconstruct their own behavior, particularly more frequently occurring on-and-off behavior, it is more difficult, especially in a telephone interview scenario,” Newport says. But he stands behind Gallup”s 40% figure: “I”ve been reviewing [U.S. church attendance] carefully,” he says. “No matter how we ask the question to people, we get roughly 40% of Americans who present themselves as regular church attendees.” He adds, however, that if you were to freeze the United States on any Sunday morning, you may find fewer than 40% of the country”s adults actually in churches.

“Although about 40% of Americans are regular church attendees, it doesn”t necessarily mean 40% are in church on any given Sunday,” he explains. “The most regular church attendee gets sick or sleeps in. The other reason may be people who tell us they go to church but are worshipping in non-traditional ways, such as small groups, people meeting in gyms or school libraries.”

A Disconnect

In another study surveying the growth of U.S. Protestants, Marler and Hadaway discovered that while the majority of people they interviewed don”t belong to a local church, they still identify with their church roots. “Never mind the fact that they attend church less than 12 times a year,” Marler observes. “We estimate that 78 million Protestants are in that place. Ask most pastors what percentage of inactive members they have — they”ll say anything from 40–60%.”

Even with a broader definition of church attendance, classifying a regular attendee as someone who shows up at least three out of every eight Sundays, only 23–25% of Americans would fit this category. Olson notes that an additional million church attendees would increase the percentage from 17.7% to only 18%. “You”d have to find 80 million more people that churches forgot to count to get to 40%.”

Clearly, a disconnect between what Americans say and what they actually do has created a sense of a resilient church culture when, in fact, it may not exist.

2. American church attendance is steadily declining.

In 1990, 20.4% of the population attended an Orthodox Christian church on any given weekend. In 2000, that percentage dropped to 18.7% and to 17.7% by 2004. Olson explains that while church attendance numbers have stayed about the same from 1990 to 2004, the U.S. population has grown by 18.1% — more than 48 million people. “So even though the number of attendees is the same, our churches are not keeping up with population growth,” he says.

Well-known church researcher and author Thom Rainer notes that the failure of churches to keep up with the population growth is one of the Church”s greatest issues heading into the future. In a 2002 survey of 1,159 U.S. churches, Rainer”s research team found that only 6% of the churches were growing — he defines growth as not only increasing in attendance, but also increasing at a pace faster than its community”s population growth rate. “Stated inversely, 94% of our churches are losing ground in the communities they serve,” he says.

Denominational Differences

A breakdown of overall attendance percentages by church type shows decreases across the board in evangelical, mainline and Catholic churches.

The most significant drop in attendance came at the expense of the Catholic Church, which experienced an 11% decrease in its attendance percentage from 2000 to 2004. Next, and not far behind were mainline churches, which saw a 10% percentage decline. Evangelicals experienced the smallest drop at 1%.

Though scholars are hesitant to definitively acknowledge a decline, they do say that attendance is not increasing: “There”s no good evidence to suggest that overall church attendance has gone up in the recent decade,” Chaves says, adding that he believes there has been a decline. He cites the watershed book Bowling Alone (Simon and Schuster) by Harvard sociologist Robert D. Putnam as his primary reasoning.

“I think church attendance is a close cousin to the other kinds of activities Putnam says Americans are doing alone — indicating that Americans have become increasingly disconnected from family and friends,” Chaves says. “So if all those areas are going down and church attendance isn”t, that would be odd.”

He identifies various implications declining attendance may have for church leaders: “If this is the reality, then I see a trend toward people being less involved, while maintaining a connection to the church. Maybe a pastor used to be able to count on seeing someone every week, but what”s now happening is that people”s lives are busier and they”re attending more infrequently. So church leaders can”t count on these same people to teach Sunday school, serve on committees, etc.”

Contradictory Research

Recent data from The Barna Group (barna.org) indicates just the opposite. Church attendance is actually growing, company President George Barna says — climbing slowly from 1996″s 37% to 47% in 2006. His research shows that other core religious behaviors are also up.

For example, Bible reading increased from 40% in 2000 to 47% in 2006.

“The data shows the number of unchurched people is unchanged — 76 million adults,” he says. “And 47% of Americans reported to us that in the last seven days, they attended a church service, excluding weddings and funerals.” His research indicates that attendance at house churches has also spiked. That may explain, Barna says, why these core religious behaviors are up. “Nevertheless, people are seeking God.”

Ed Stetzer, missiologist and director of the Center for Missional Research at the North American Mission Board (namb.net) of the Southern Baptist Convention, has found similar evidence of spiritual behavior occurring outside church walls. He recently finished a study on alternative faith communities, and found that a growing number of people are finding Christian discipleship and community in places other than their local churches. The study found that 24.5% of Americans now say their primary form of spiritual nourishment is meeting with a small group of 20 or less people every week.

“About 6 million people meet weekly with a small group and never or rarely go to church,” Stetzer says. “There is a significant movement happening.”

3. Only one state is outpacing its population growth.

Hawaii, where 13.8% of the state”s population (1.3 million) regularly attends church, was the only state where church attendance grew faster than its population growth from 2000 to 2004. However, church attendance in Arkansas, Oklahoma, South Carolina and Tennessee — all of which have higher percentages of church attendees than Hawaii — was close to keeping up with population growth in the respective states (see U.S. map on page 50).

In Hawaii, 6.3% of the population attended an evangelical church in 2004; mainline denominations accounted for 1.8%; and 5.7% regularly worshipped in Catholic congregations.

A few states break from regional attendance trends. Texas — in the middle of the Bible Belt and home to more than 17 of the country”s largest churches — saw only 18% of its population (22.5 million) attend church on any given weekend in 2004, compared to sur-rounding states Oklahoma (22%), Louisiana (28%) and Arkansas (25%). And Florida (14.1%) had the lowest percentage of the Southern region (averaging 23%). Both Texas and Florida saw population growth (2000 to 2004) that was twice the national average.

Olson notes that states with very diverse cultures tend to have lower attendance numbers than the states surrounding them. “Most of our churches know how to address only one culture,” he says.

A closer look at the states only found more decline between 1990 and 2000. Church attendance declined in more than two-thirds of all U.S. counties: Slightly more than 2,300 counties declined, and 795 increased.

4. Mid-sized churches are shrinking; the smallest and largest churches are growing.

While America”s churches as a whole did not keep up with population growth from 1994 to 2004, the country”s smallest (attendance 1–49) and largest churches (2,000-plus) did (see graph on page 52). During that period, the smallest churches grew 16.4%; the largest grew 21.5%, exceeding the national population growth of 12.2%. But mid-sized churches (100–299) — the average size of a Protestant church in America is 124 — declined 1%. What were the reasons for the decline?

“The best way I can describe it is that a lot of people believe they”re upgrading to first class when they go to a larger church,” Olson says. “It seems highly likely that some of the people in those mid-sized churches are the ones leaving and going to the larger churches.”

Stetzer agrees and adds that because today”s large churches emphasize small groups and community, hoping to create a small-church feel, they offer the best of both worlds.

“There are multiple expectations on mid-sized churches that they can”t meet — programs, dynamic music, quality youth ministries,” he says.

“We”ve created a church consumer culture.”

As president of the Bridgeleader Network, David Anderson, senior pastor and founder of Bridgeway Community Church in Columbia, Md., has consulted with church leaders nationwide. In his work, he has observed that mid-sized congregations tend to lose the evangelistic focus they once had, and instead adopt what he calls a “club mentality.”

“You have just enough people not to be missional anymore,” he explains. “You don”t have to grow anymore to sustain your budget.”

As for why the smallest churches have kept up, Shawn McMullen, author of the newly released Unleashing the Potential of the Smaller Church (Standard), notes that smaller churches cultivate an intimacy not easily found in larger churches. “In an age when human interaction is being supplanted by modern technology, many younger families are looking for a church that offers community, closeness and intergenerational relationships,” he says.

Olson points out that for a church of 50 or less, the only place to go is up. “They have a relatively small downside and a big upside. A church of 25 can”t decline by 24 and still be on the radar. But it can grow by 200.”

5. Established churches — 40 to 190 years old — are, on average, declining.

All churches started between 1810 and 1960 (excluding the 1920s) declined in attendance from 2003 to 2004. The greatest attendance decrease in that period (-1.6%) came from churches begun in the 1820s, followed by the 1940s (-1.5%).

The numbers climb to the plus side in the 1970s, with churches between 30 and 40 years old showing a slight .3% increase. The percentage goes up significantly for congregations launched in the 1980s (1.7%) and 1990s (3%).

Established churches in decline are suffering from a leadership crisis, says Kirbyjon Caldwell, senior pastor of Windsor Village United Methodist Church in Houston. While his church is 50 years old, Caldwell says he has been there 25 years and in effect has made a “DNA change.” The church has grown from a struggling congregation of 25 to 7,100 under his charge.

Reversing the decline, he says, was about the leaders of the church — both clergy and laity — deciding to redefine the congregation and meet the needs of the community.

Bob Coy, senior pastor and founder of Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale, points to a different crisis for established churches — one of relevancy, especially in light of today”s young people searching for real truth and reasons for actions. “The emptiness of yesterday”s liturgy has got to become relevant,” Coy says. “The next generation is screaming for a relationship with God.”

The declining numbers send a message to church leaders content with only building their own churches, Olson says: “I hear people say, ‘Why do we need new churches? Why don”t we help our established churches do better?” or ‘Don”t we have enough churches?” If we keep doing the same things, we”ll continue to have the same results — decline. Established churches are the base, and new churches build on top of that. Using established churches to keep up with population growth is just not going to work.”

6. The increase in churches is only 1/4 of what”s needed to keep up with population growth.

Between 2000 and 2004, the net gain (the number of new churches minus the closed churches) in the number of evangelical churches was 5,452, but mainline and Catholic churches closed more than they started for a net loss of 2,200, leaving an overall net gain of 3,252 for all Orthodox Christian churches. “In this decade, approximately 3,000 churches closed every year; while more churches were started, only 3,800 survived,” Olson explains. In the 21st century, the net gain in churches has amounted to only 800 each year.

10,000 more churches needed

Perhaps most telling is the fact that from 2000 to 2004, a net gain of 13,024 churches was necessary to keep up with the U.S. population growth. In reality, that means rather than growing with the population, the Church incurred a deficit of almost 10,000 churches.

The gap is a serious one for Christianity in America, as research and studies show that church plants are the most effective means of evangelism and church growth. “More evangelism happens through church planting than megachurches,” Anderson says. He urges leaders to plant multicultural, missional churches.

Although ultimately, America will continue to see a great dying off of churches, Stetzer says he is encouraged to see a renewed interest in missiology and Christology, as well as churches that are striving to change themselves. “They”re asking what a biblical church would look like,” he says. But he advises church planters to customize their church to their community rather than copy an existing model.

“What”s going to make an effective church plant in their community depends on what their community looks like,” he explains. “Far too many pastors plant their church in their heads and not in their community.”

Olson encourages churches, regardless of their size or expansion strategy, to either plant a church or work with other congregations to plant a church every five years.

Many church plants of the last five years are intentionally smaller than those of the 1990s, he observes, because the younger generation is opting for smaller churches that offer a more intimate experience. “So we need to realize that if churches are going to be smaller, we”ll need to start more of them to have the same impact.”

7. In 2050, the percentage of the U.S. population attending church will be almost half of what it was in 1990.

So what is the future of the American Church? Does declining attendance mean declining influence? If present trends continue, the percentage of the population that attends church in 2050 is estimated to be at almost half of 1990″s attendance — a drop from 20.4% to 11.7%. Olson”s projections for the years leading up to 2050 are less than encouraging. He estimates a drop to 16.6% in 2010, and 15.4% in 2020.

He notes that while church attendance is projected to increase from 50 million in 1990 to 60 million in 2050, because the U.S. Census estimates that America will grow from 248 million in 1990 to 520 million in 2050, the Church can”t keep up with population growth if it stays on its current course.

The prognosis doesn”t discourage Anderson. “It encourages me that the harvest is greater,” he says. “I”m somewhat comforted by the idea that Americans have left dead churches.”

Caldwell echoes Anderson”s positive outlook: “If anything, this information causes me to get fired up about what I can do to reverse these trends.”

Coy, too, sees the projections as a call to action for church leaders: “If we”ve given the impression that church is an option, maybe we”re the ones who are at fault,” he says. But church attendance is only the beginning, he adds. “We have to get serious and begin to live it every day.”

Clearly, the future looks less than bright for the Church in America; nevertheless, countless stories of transformed lives remind us that God is using, and wants to continue to use, the 330,000 U.S. Orthodox Christian congregations to draw others to Him and strengthen believers for His work in a hurting world. In the words of the late author Henri Nouwen, the Church maintains the vital connection to Christ:

“Listen to the Church,” he writes in Show Me the Way (Crossroad). “I know that isn”t a popular bit of advice at a time and in a country where the church is frequently seen more as an ‘obstacle” in the way rather than as the ‘way” to Jesus. Nevertheless, I”m profoundly convinced that the greatest spiritual danger for our times is the separation of Jesus from the Church. The Church is the body of the Lord. Without Jesus, there can be no Church; and without the Church, we cannot stay united with Jesus. I”ve yet to meet anyone who has come closer to Jesus by forsaking the Church. To listen to the Church is to listen to the Lord of the Church.”

 

Living the Christian Life

It's all About Following Jesus (ECWA Archive)

What does the Bible say about how to live the Christian life?

How to live the Christian life is a topic that is discussed in many Bible passages. One of the most notable discourses was between Jesus and Nicodemus. Nicodemus, a member of the Jewish council, went to Jesus during the night to discover how to live the Christian life. Jesus explains to Nicodemus that he must be born again: "…I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again" (John 3:3). Salvation is the beginning step in living a Christian life. In John 14:6, Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

Jesus encourages all believers to grow in relationship, commitment, and obedience to Him. This is the essence of how to live a Christian life. Our relationship, commitment, and obedience are done out of love, not constraint. John 14:21 says, "Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."

Living the Christian life is not abiding by an agenda or following a set of strict rules. Instead, the Christian life is characterized by:

  • Understanding that you are a new creation! 2 Corinthians 5:17 declares: "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"
  • Transforming and renewing your mind. Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will."
  • Treating others with love. Philippians 2:3-4 says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."
  • Living out the teachings of Christ. Jesus taught: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 5:3-10).
  • Sharing your faith. Matthew 5:14-16 says, "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."

Living the Christian life does not mean enjoying a life of ease and never experiencing problems. 1 Peter 5:8 says that there is an enemy who wishes to destroy us: "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." But we also read that Jesus has overcome the world!

No matter what opposition you face, living the Christian life is worth it! Enjoying a relationship with God and His Son Jesus, being confident of where you will spend eternity, and living in day-to-day fellowship with Him is far greater than any opposition you may face.

What is your response? For the Original article, visit All About God, PO Box 507, Peyton, Colorado 80831, AllAboutGOD.com
 

Denzel Washington Schools Pentecostals on Gratitude

by Jim Gallagher / St. Louis Post-Dispatch – Gratitude in Schools, Denzel Washington (Reuters)

Hollywood star Denzel Washington, the son of a pastor, preached a sermon of gratefulness Saturday evening to hundreds of members of the Church of God in Christ at their annual Holy Congregation in downtown St. Louis.

"I pray that you put your slippers way under your bed at night, so that when you wake in the morning you have to start on your knees to find them. And while you're down there, say thank you," he told the crowd at a $200-a-plate banquet at the Marriott St. Louis Grand Hotel to raise money for the denomination's charity work.

"It is impossible to be grateful and hateful at the same time," he said. "We have to have an attitude of gratitude." 

The acclaimed actor grew up in the Church of God in Christ. He, his wife and children still attend the denomination's West Angeles church in Los Angeles.

His father, Denzel Washington Sr., was a pastor and, according to his son, a good father. The actor talked of the comfort he got in hearing his father's car pull into the driveway every evening. It gave him a sense of stability.

A church woman also gave him a hint of his career to come, he said.

Washington remembered sitting in his mother's beauty shop as a young man. He was flunking out of college with a 1.7 grade point average. "I had no future. I was sitting in the chair looking in the mirror," he said, when he heard a woman speak from under a hair dryer.

"Young man, you're going to travel the world and speak to millions of people," she said. "You are going to preach."

His mother told him that the woman was thought to have the gift of predicting the future. 

"I guess she was right," said Washington. These days he is trying to go beyond speaking through his movies by speaking more often to groups about his faith and "what God has done for me."

Washington, whose roles have ranged from civil rights icon Malcolm X to an Oscar-winning role as a corrupt police detective, led the church members in reciting the Lord's Prayer.

"Faith and optimism can add years to your life," he told those at the banquet. "A bad attitude is like a flat tire. Until you change it, you're not going anywhere," he said, urging the audience to "use the power of prayer in everything we do."

The Church of God in Christ is the largest African-American Pentecostal denomination, with about 12,000 congregations. This is the sixth time its annual Holy Convocation has been in St. Louis. The meeting is one of the largest events held at America's Center.

 

Help Children Deal with Fear

It's our job as parents and guildiance to help our Children deal with fear whatever it may be (forchild.org.ua)

Tragedy is all around us. It’s on the news every night — and all throughout the day. We talk about it at the dinner table. And, as fun and engaging as it can be, we can thank social media for keeping us constantly informed of all the bad things happening in our world.

Evil is rampant — and, because of this – fear is rampant.

And, it doesn’t impact only us.

Our children are not immune from fear. In an Information Age — they know what we know, filtered, of course, with their childlike mind.

Violence even happens in school — in malls — in churches — places children go regularly.

Childhood can be a scary time of life naturally, but especially these days. We should never diminish a child’s fear or the impact the news of the day is having on them. It may be totally irrational fear – something you know is completely impossible — but it’s very real to them.

How does a parent or teacher address this fear?

Here are 7 suggestions to help children deal with fear:

1. Don’t assume their thoughts

Don’t assume just because your child doesn’t mention what happened they don’t know about it or care. Fear is a normal reaction, especially for a child. Watch for unusual behavior. Be aware of mood changes or extreme sadness. Make sure they know it’s okay to talk about it and there is no shame or disappointment from you when they are fearful. Maybe tell them of a time you were afraid — even a recent time.

2. Limit their exposure

You’re curious, so the television may be on news stations. What are they covering right now? Remember children process information different from how you do. They may not appear to be watching, but they probably are more than you think. Fill their minds with things to encourage them not perpetuate the fear. This is a time to turn off the television and simply play with your kids. They’ll get no better assurance than their time with you.

3. Ask them questions

You may think children are afraid of one thing, but it is something completely different. Many times children, especially young children, are simply confused or have misinformation. You can better address the fear if you know its roots. Getting them to talk about what they are afraid of can help them learn to better rationalize and seek comfort and assurance from you.

4. Assure them they are safe

Let children know they are safe. Don’t lie to them or give them false assurance, but remember the chances of the same thing happening to them is rare — very rare. Remind them you will do anything to protect them. Show them ways you’ve already provided for their safety. Let them help you lock the doors at night. You may need to help them process for weeks to come. Don’t rush them to “get over it”. Pray for and with them often.

5. Live a normal life as much as possible

As much as possible, live a normal weekly schedule. Their routine is part of their “security blanket.” Don’t allow their fear to cripple them or the family for long. In spite of our fears, we have to move forward.

6. Be calm around them

Especially during this stressful time, don’t let your children see you in panic. Watch what you say in front of them. Discuss the world events – and especially your fears of them – outside of their listening ears. Let the home be their “safe place”. Parents shouldn’t fight in front of kids anytime, but especially during a time of uncertainty like this. Renew your faith. Renew your commitment to each other. Children often get their faith through parents.

7. Read them Scripture

Children need something they can cling to as permanent and dependable. What better place than the Word of God, which will never fade? Recite Psalm 56:3 to them. If they are old enough, write it down somewhere they can see it often. Memorize some verses of strength and share with them often. Help them memorize some. (When our boys were young we played Scripture music appropriate for their age. Steve Green’s “Hide ’em in Your Heart series was great for this. You can find them online.)

Ron Edmondson is the senior pastor at Immanuel Baptist Church in Lexington, Kentucky. For the original article, visit ronedmondson.com.

 

Why you Should go to Church Regularly

Over time, I've heard from some of you readers who tell me you haven't been going to church for years, and in my heart this feels as though you're turning down Disneyland, outlet malls, and a sunny day on the beach all at once. (ECWA Archives)

When generous people made a California trip possible for our family several years ago, we did the Disneyland thing and the outlet mall shopping trip and the sand-n-sea excursion. We also visited a megachurch one Sunday morning. When it came to extra time and choices of activities that weekend, I suggested we visit one or two or three other church services in the area. Because how fun!

But to the beach we went.

Mom. Is. Weird.

I just love the church so much. The church.

Last Sunday morning we went to a little town called Libby, Montana, where Matt has been filling in as preacher for a few weeks. It's a small church in the sticks. But the people are sweet, and I have been enjoying worshipping the Lord with them as much as I enjoyed the lights, cameras and action of the megachurch we visited in California.

There's something rich about gathering with other followers of Christ.

Over time, I've heard from some of you readers who tell me you haven't been going to church for years, and in my heart this feels as though you're turning down Disneyland, outlet malls and a sunny day on the beach all at once.

I told my friend last night that I was shipping this blog post to you, and she said, "What look will your readers see on your face when they're reading about why you think they should go to church?" So I showed her, and it looked like a child's best, "Mom, pleeeeeeease can we go to the park today?" look. So are you picturin' it? Me here with this begging face on?

My Top 10 Reasons Why You Should Go to Church

1. If you follow Christ, you are part of the body of Christ, and body parts, by nature, are connected. I know a sweet young woman who is recovering from surgery on the stump of her leg right now, so I can picture what a troublesome thing it is to have an amputation (1 Cor. 12:27).
2. God wants to show others who he is through YOU. When you get involved at church, people get a bigger understanding of who God is (1 Cor. 12:7). Crazy, huh?  
3. You have been given a spiritual gift that is to be used to build up the body of Christ. Your gift is something other believers desperately need (1 Cor. 12)!
4. You need to eat, learn and pray with other believers (Acts 2:42-47).
5. You need to share with others, which means you have to hang out enough that you see the needs your brothers and sisters have. And they're gonna wanna share with you (Acts 2:45).
6. You need encouragement, and other believers need encouragement from you on a regular basis because this life is seriously hard (Heb. 10:25).
7. You need to laugh and cry with other believers through all the ups and downs of life. That can only happen if you're meeting with other believers through a lot of days (Rom. 12:15).
8. God is going to comfort you, often through the words and actions of other believers, and He wants you to pass on the comfort to the believers around you (2 Cor. 1:3-4).
9. If God is your Father, that makes church a family gathering (Phil. 1:2).
10. When you gather with other believers and love them, God's love is made complete in you (1 John 4:12).

See, you need the church, and the church needs you.

It's messy. You'll get hurt by folks sometimes and will be disappointed by them often. But church is God's design, and if you risk going to church, you will bring glory to God and will find your own great joy.

Pleeeeeeeease will you go to church?

And for those of you who are regular church attenders, could you fill the comment section below with reasons why meeting regularly with your church family is so vital in your life? Maybe your words will be just the encouragement someone else needs to hear!

Christy Fitzwater is the author of A Study of Psalm 25: Seven Actions to Take When Life Gets Hard. She is a blogger, pastor's wife and mom of two teenagers and resides in Montana. Visit christyfitzwater.com for more information about her ministry.

 

Words of Wisdom: In-laws of Newly Married Couples

How do you get along with your son- or daughter-in-law? (ECWA Archive)

I often teach and write about the experiences that I have working with relationships. Personal experience is often some of the best information I have to protect and help other relationships.

In helping marriages, I often try to share some of the barriers that I have seen to having a good marriage. My theory is that if couples are aware of the barriers before they become an issue it’s much easier to deal with them when they arise.

One of the consistent barriers I have seen in having a strong marriage is the way the couple deals with outside influences. It could be friends, family, work, or hobbies. It’s mostly people.

One of those primary outside influences that many couples struggle with is dealing with in-laws.

And, the in-laws who are causing a problem are now rejecting this post.

The crazy thing about this issue is that I once talked about the issue but now I live the issue. So I realize I am on shaky ground by speaking to a subject I haven’t yet mastered. We have been in-laws now for a couple of years and it is still relatively new for us. But now at least I see both sides of the issue. Cheryl and I are trying to be good in-laws by learning from other people’s experiences we have encountered in ministry.

I’m speaking primarily in this post about parental in-laws, but these will also apply to other relatives of couples. This type post gets me in trouble. It’s a sensitive issue. Keep in mind this is an opinion blog. And this is an opinion post. But these are gained through years of experience working with young couples. Apply as necessary.

Here’s some of my best advice for in-laws:

Remember “leave and cleave”.  It’s Biblical. Two people are trying to become one. That’s the goal. That means the two can’t be part of another unit in the same way. Yes, they are still family, but they are creating something new. Their new will likely look different from yours — hopefully even better. No doubt you will have influenced who they are as a couple. That may be in good and bad ways. Let them as a couple determine what they keep of your influence and what they leave behind. Again, they are still part of you. But, in the formulation of a new “them” they have to leave some things behind.

Know this: Everything you say to your child impacts their spouse. One way or another. And, it will likely either be repeated and injure your relationship with their spouse or cause a hidden wedge in their relationship. You can’t expect them to become one if you have a private world of communication with your child. And if they are trying to be a good husband or wife they will not keep secrets from their spouse. Yes, you should always be a safe place for your child. And there may be times where it is necessary for them to come to you in secret. But those should be rare. Very rare in my opinion. You can help them reduce friction in their marriage by not contributing to or promoting private conversations.

They sense the pressure to “come see you”. Chances are they have pressure elsewhere too. Maybe even from other in-laws. How welcoming is it if you spend most your time talking to them complaining how little you see them? Yes, it’s hard when they don’t seem to want to — or you feel slighted in the amount of attention you receive — but guilt and complaining won’t accomplish what you’re attempting. It might even get them there, but it won’t promote quality time with them.  And, it will often build resentment.

Get rid of the phrase “What you should do is”. It isn’t helpful because it’s usually received with an immediate pushback. They are trying to form their own identity as a family. Hopefully they will solicit your input at times but don’t offer it unless you’re asked.

Offer advice only if you’re asked. I thought this one merited repeating. Again, it’s not that you don’t have for good advice. And they would probably be better off if they listened to your advice more often. Most likely you have experience they don’t yet have. But most young couples want to discover things on their own just as you possibly did when you were younger. Unsolicited advice is almost never seen as valuable as solicited advice.

Be a fun place to hang out. All young couples need to see healthy people and healthy relationships. Marriage is hard without any outside influences. So the more healthy and environment you can create for them the more often they will want to be a part of that environment.

Love them unconditionally. I would say equally, but that’s hard — isn’t it? You’re going to naturally lean towards favoring your own child, especially when there is friction or conflict in the relationship. Be patient with them. Give grace generously. Hold you’re tongue when you’re tempted to say something that could be hurtful. Forgive quickly when needed. Remember, you are supposed to be the maturer people in this season of life.

The point of this post — and this blog — is to help. I’m not trying to stir more frustration. Other blogs do that well. :). Seriously, my aim is to address issues I see often and help us learn from other people’s experiences. I realize this is a hard season for many parents. But, with careful intentionality it can be a great season.

Remember, we are new at this.

Ron Edmondson is the senior pastor at Immanuel Baptist Church in Lexington, Kentucky. For the original article, visit ronedmondson.com.

 

Preventable Disease: Obesity

Obesity – Upgrade Your Health With Sharmita Rideau (Gina Cook)

The world tells us the need to lose weight, but only God's Word can give us the power to lose weight!  

With all the information floating throughout social media, TV and the Internet about the dangers of being overweight, why is it so hard to lose weight?  No one wants to slowly kill themselves eating the wrong food and not taking care of their body.

How did we gain all the weight? This is not something that happens overnight! What is the underlying cause? Why have we allowed food to become our emotional crutch?

Obesity is a lifestyle disease; it is a preventable disease linked to our daily living patterns. Obesity is fast overtaking smoking as the No. 1 preventable disease causing death! This should get our attention!

A study in 2006 found that church members are likely to be overweight or obese more than the general public and by far the heaviest of all religious groups. A 2001 Pulpit and Pew study of 2,500 clergy found that 76 percent were overweight or obese compared to 61 percent of the general population at the time of the study. Unfortunately, I was one of those statistics!

How had I fallen into this trap? Weight had been a struggle for me since childhood. I brought into my adult life bad eating habits. I'm not blaming anyone else, but I never took the time to study nutrition and did very little exercise. I was busy in the ministry traveling to the nations and just didn't have the time.

One day my world changed by five words that I read: "The devil wants you fat!" These words pierced my heart! I hate the devil. I knew John 10:10: "The thief does not come, except to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." At that time about the only thing I had an abundance of was fat cells!

At the moment I saw the words, "the devil wants you fat," I had an immediate burning desire in my heart to change! It was a moment that brought repentance and an awareness that I was responsible and accountable for the care of my body.

When we have an issue in our life which we cannot control, it is a spiritual problem. As I said, the world can tell us all sorts of reasons that we need to change, but only God's Word can give us the power to change. I had tried all the gimmicks of the world for a quick fix, but not only did I lose finances, I lost hope, dignity and peace.

What brings change? We have to be willing to admit that we are wrong and that we need help. The words that I read brought repentance and an awareness that I had a problem and I needed to change.  

What is the key to weight loss? Repentance! Repentance is sincere regret or remorse according to the dictionary.  Sincere regret. If you truly regret something, your behavior is going to change. You will want to change and make things better.

True repentance is believing in your heart and confessing with your mouth (Rom. 10:9).

"Therefore repent and be converted, that your sins may be wiped away, that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord" (Acts 3:19).

When I repented and submitted my weight issues to the Lord, He gave me a battle plan that worked from the inside out, taking 90 pounds from my body. It is a daily walk. My testimony is in my book, Why Diets Don't Work – Food Is Not the Problem. This book, and a workbook that goes with it, can be found on my website, whydiets.com. It is not another diet plan; it is a battle plan!

Joyce Tilney is an author and conference speaker. Her ministry, Women of God, teaching women of today from women of yesterday, has taken her around the world. She finds women are the same all over the world; they need to be loved and to love, understanding their uniqueness as a woman of God. Visit her websites: wogministries and whydiets.com

 

Jonathan Cahn: These Are the Days of the Prophets

As if headlines of war, plane crashes and natural disasters are not enough, Rabbi Jonathan Cahn says the other sign of judgment in the last days is upon us.  

Cahn then recites the prophecy of Isaiah: "Woe to those who call evil good and good evil." 

At the same time America is "racing" into apostasy, Cahn says, the country is targeting Christians.  

Look at Joe Kennedy, who was suspended from his football coaching position for praying on the 50-yard line. 

Then there's Kim Davis, who claimed "God's authority" when denying same-sex marriage licenses.  

Consider Aaron and Melissa Klein, among others, who have been the subject of a lawsuit for refusing to bake a cake for a gay wedding ceremony.  

"We're hearing more stories we've never heard before, trying to force Christians to basically take part in abomination," Cahn says.  

Watch the video to see what he believes is to come.

Making your Marriage Last

This is one of the main reasons that couples divorce. (Alan Lambert – Getty Images)

I have been married 20 years but I still find that successful communication is the No. 1 challenge in my relationship. And I know I am not alone. Communication issues are the top reason most marriages fail. Thankfully, I have learned one thing over the years that has helped me overcome this: respect.

When I approach my husband Chad respectfully, my chances of him listening and responding are far greater than if I approach him harshly or aggressively.

For most of our marriage, my husband Chad has had no desire to take out the trash. It could be packed tight, overflowing, and causing a seriously foul smell throughout our home, and he still wouldn't think about taking it out. That drives me crazy! I know he isn't lazy; in fact, he is one of the hardest workers I know. What makes me crazy is that I feel he takes me for granted because he knows that I have all the home chores covered.

Here are two ways that I could deal with this:

A. I could communicate what I desire to have done by asking him respectfully "Honey, can you please take out the trash?"

OR

B. I could express my frustration to him with my finger pointed by disrespectfully saying, "You never do anything, the trash smells like a dead pig! When do you plan on taking that out?"

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger" (Prov. 15:1).

"He who guards his mouth preserves his life" (Prov. 13:3).

As a woman of God, I know that I am called to respect my husband. Unique to each spouse is a set of things they need. One of Chad's top three needs is "respect." If I want him to meet my needs, I must first try to meet his needs, even if he is not doing something the way I think he should.

It is pretty obvious that Option A would be the best way to handle this situation, but showing Chad respect is not always easy for me. I really struggle with showing him respect when I am frustrated. Truthfully there are many times that I want to go "cuckoo" on him and use Option B (and sadly, I have). However, it never works out well! By using Option B, maybe the trash will get taken out, but the whole day would be ruined because of our anger and fighting. Division would come between us, and what could have been a good day would become filled with chaos.

Unfortunately, I have caused one too many "bad days" by not choosing to honor the Lord by respecting my husband. Taking the approach of choosing to honor the Lord is exactly how I started to make the appropriate changes in my attitude. Ephesians 5 teaches us to respect our husbands. That verse doesn't say to respect him only when he deserves it. Instead, God's Word teaches us to respect our husbands all of the time. It was with this new revelation in mind that I was able to begin making the choice to respect Chad in all areas of our marriage, but especially with my words.

I was convicted by these verses in the Bible:

"It is better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and angry woman" (Prov. 21:19).

"It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop than with a brawling woman in a wide house" (Prov. 21:9).

I never want to be that kind of wife again. How shameful it would be if I were still that type of wife?

"But let it be the hidden nature of the heart, that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God" (1 Peter 3:4).

I made the decision that this is the wife I wanted to be!

This is an example of true beauty. This is the depiction of the virtuous woman that God created me to be. This is the woman who will lay pride aside to willfully meet her husband's needs. Ultimately, this healthy attitude will lead to joy in a marriage that revolves around peace and unity.


After reading the above statement, I'm sure you're asking, "That all sounds wonderful, but if we are so focused on our spouse's needs, then what about our own needs?" Notice what I said above: "the woman who will lay pride aside to willfully meet her husband's needs finds joy in a marriage of peace and unity."

There is no question that I still desire to have my needs met, but constantly challenging my husband to meet those needs is selfish on my part, and my efforts always fail. Through true servanthood to one another, when I strive to meet his needs and he strives to meet mine, we find ourselves in the marriage we both desire. I have heard it said that you have to meet halfway … I no longer believe this to be true. I'm willing to go all the way!

Even if Chad only goes 30 percent, then we will be fine, because there will be other days when he will give 100 percent and I will fall short. You don't have to be a statistician, just understand that when you are both "all in" and can take your eyes off your own needs and focus on your spouse's needs, you will be most fulfilled.

From Marriage Advance by Chad and Kathy Robichaux, a book helping couples strengthen their marriages in times great adversity and advancing toward the ultimate success God had in mind when you said, "I do."

Kathy Robichaux is the director of women's programs for the Mighty Oaks Foundation. She has a strong connection with women and wives struggling with the pain and heartache in the wake of PTSD. With vast amount of personal experiences, she speaks publicly as a wife and mother who fought the war with the symptoms in her husband and came out the other side with a restored marriage and an even stronger faith. Kathy and Chad have been married for 20 years and have three teenage children: Hunter, Haili and Hayden.